By now I'm fairly certain that we're living in what, at one time, would have been considered the future. We have microwaves, flying cars, 200 channels of reality television, and pre-measured ketchup packets. We are living in a technologically advanced world. However, the one big advancement of the 1860's — building tunnels to give trains, pedestrians, or other undesirable elements like Raider fans somewhere to go — has not caught on the way I hoped it would.
By this point we should have tunnels everywhere. At work there should be a tunnel from my desk to the vending machine which I can enter by pulling a massive lever in my cube. At home I should have a tunnel connecting my aviary with my solarium, and a second tunnel from the solarium to the bonsai tree greenhouse. Urban areas should be tunnels filled with flying cars traveling from point A to point B, and point B to point X. (Points C-W shall be reserved for those not fortunate enough to own a tunnel-enabled mode of transportation). There should be a tunnel connecting me directly from wherever I am at any given moment to the nearest Arby's. I don't think this is too much to ask.
The benefits are obvious. First: Arby's anytime. That should be enough to settle it, but just in case, I'll go on. Air Pollution: reduced because the flying cars would be enclosed in a giant tube. Sure, the tunnels would be smoggy but who cares. You're traveling in a flying car! Inside a tunnel! You'll be so amazed you won't care what the weather is like outside. Plus it's dark inside a tunnel so you won't really be able to see anyway. Second: how else am I supposed to get to my solarium? Lastly, tunnels provide dozens of fringe benefits to society — jobs in the construction industry, increased productivity in the lucrative excavation machinery sector, not to mention the benefits to the entire human race of having expedited delivery of chicken wings & pizza through the dedicated Pizza Hut-brand tunnel system that would inevitably be created.<
So get to work people, call your Senators and Representatives! They may not answer because they'll be downstairs enjoying their tunnels and poking fun at how easy it is to lose Dennis Kucinich behind a tall stack of paper, but don't give up. Leave a message. (This is the future, we can do that now.) Tell them you won't rest until our dream of having a chicken in every pot and a tunnel to every garage in America is realized. Don't give up until that Arby-Q is in your hand!