Born on 1/16/2012
The boy just made the cut for a competitive soccer team here in town. I’m proud of him even though the club is affiliated with a Liverpool-based team who I could never in good faith support as a Sky Blues fan. (Although Everton does currently field Tim Howard who you may know from Team USA (USA! USA!) and/or this recent long shot against Bolton which made some headlines (BTW, fucking Bolton?? I am severely out of the loop in terms of the English Premiere League. Having lived out of the country for over 20 years now my permanent memory of which teams are any good is stalled in the late ‘80s when Bolton was a 4th division team. Apparently they’re good enough to be in the premiere league now. Times change. Also, get off my lawn you kids! (parentheses))).
Anyway, getting back to Tom - he's a natural athlete, much like his old man. Any by that, I mean of course that his athletic ability is already far superior to mine in almost every way. I never made it past the first tryout for my school soccer team as a kid and I’m fairly certain that my teammates only let me play on the adult league now because I show up and I pay on time - those traits, apparently, being harder to come by than you would think. It’s certainly not because of any special proficiency that I might have in dribbling, passing, shooting or scoring, because those are the four areas that I have yet to master. Unfortunately, they’re also the only four areas that really matter in soccer.
Luckily, sonny didn’t inherit any of my [un]natural talent and has pretty much mastered any sport that he has tried his hand (or foot) at so far. Of course this has led to the inevitable – which is to say that I now need to pony up almost $1500/year if we choose to continue this particular leisure activity. That includes the $50 “fine” I plan to pay to buy my way out of parent volunteer time. Yes, I am both the worst and laziest parent in the world but there’s no way I’m manning that fireworks booth in the middle of July unless it’s air conditioned and/or I get to set off some of the product on a recreational basis to pass the time. After all, isn’t that what youth sports teams are really all about?