the guide
Today I bring you my Man's Guide to Bathroom Etiquette (sponsored in part by Quaker State and Johnson's 100% Floor Wax):

  • It's ok to have a conversation in the bathroom, if and only if, you started that conversation outside the bathroom and feel obligated to offer a brief closing remark. Closing remarks should be kept to a maximum of four words, preferably "give me a minute". It's not ok to start a new conversation in the bathroom unless your life is in imminent danger for some reason. Even then its questionable.
  • Likewise, it is never ok to have a conversation while in a stall. That includes talking to yourself, your neighbor, or the stall. It is particularly egregious to maintain any type of cell-phone communication in a stall. That includes talking, text messaging, and checking your voice mail.
  • At the urinal there are two places you may look - straight ahead at the tile, or down if you need help aiming. It is not acceptable to look left and right especially if you have neighbors present. Looking to the side and smiling is just creepy. Looking up at the ceiling is strange, but considered acceptable in some jurisdictions.
  • Bringing food or beverage of any kind into the bathroom is not allowed.
  • Unless you are in a bar and have been drinking heavily, it should not be necessary to engage the use of the wall in front of you, the divider next to you or any other fixed object to balance yourself or to rest your arm/head/hand while using the urinal. If you have a balance problem please avoid using the urinal entirely as people around you are unlikely to be interested in catching you when you fall down with your fly open. If for some reason you accidentally touch one of these items, the next rule should be applied twice.
  • You must wash your hands before leaving the bathroom unless you somehow managed to enter the room, urinate and zip up without touching anything. Failure to wash your hands may cause co-worker repulsion. Failure to wash after exiting a stall (regardless of what actually occured in that stall) is punishable by death.
  • Finally, you must flush. Forget the "if it's yellow..." rule. That rule only applies outside the bathroom, and in reference to The Cheat who should always be allowed to "mellow".