Hey iTunes, what's up? It's me. You know the guy that's been sticking up for you these last few years and telling people not to pirate music. Yeah, that guy. Anyways, what's been going on? How are your parents doing? I haven't seen them in a while.

Good, yeah, same here. So listen man, we gotta talk about something. I mean, you know I've got your back right? Remember that time you almost walked into Mrs Branch's 2nd period homeroom with that chocolate pudding stain on your shorts? I totally saved you on that one bro. Oh yeah, and that time that your girlfriend Kelley saw Janie's eyeliner brush in your backseat so I told her it was mine? Yeah I saved your ass on that one too dude. At great personal expense I might add.

So anyway I thought we were pretty tight, but you hurt me man. I mean I appreciate that you took the time to catalog all my music for me, and that you offer unlimited 30-second samples from the world's largest music store but you took it too far, bro.

What? No, I don't think Kelley knew about you and Janie. She was pretty hot, huh? I heard she put on about 50 pounds though. Anyway, that's not my point. I'm talking about this "Just for you" section on your front page. I mean, it's cool and all that you analyzed my musical tastes or whatever, but this is fucked up. I mean seriously. I don't think we can be friends anymore.

What do you mean "what?". You know what I'm talking about dude. Do I have to paint you a picture? Fine.

What the fuck man? That's cold. I mean, I can overlook that Afroman suggestion, but that first one is taking it too far. You could have at least hidden it in the middle there somewhere.

So, yeah, anyway I gotta go. Don't bother coming by for the BBQ this weekend I think the house is gonna be full, ok? Yeah, I'm serious. Oh yeah, and I nailed Kelley one time after study hall right before she was supposed to meet you. I hope you're happy now.