When in doubt, hit 'em with a Golden Girls lyric
Letters, we get letters…

Sometimes weird ones.  Behold this recent exchange which apparently should be going to someone named Kelly but has managed to find its way to my inbox.  This happens to my gmail address pretty regularly, for some reason, even though that address has (to my knowledge) never belonged to anyone except me — I've had it since pretty early on in the Gmail days and I would be surprised if someone else had had it before me and then closed their account.

Anyway, on with the show.  Here is the initial email I received:
Joanne ----- to me  Jul 26

Hey Kelly, I  just want you to know that I heard about your new life hertall. Acually I do not know if that is how you spell hertall. All I know is that you are strong and this is just a bump in that road of life that you are going to get over. I  want you to know that if there is anything that you need or even if it is to just blow some steam I am here to talk to. Just wanted to let you know I am here . Thinking of you JO.

Ok, a simple case of mistaken identity, I guess.  I have no idea what a hertall is and Google won't even spell-correct that into something sensible for me so I have no reasonable guess.  (Anyone?)  I'll just gently rebuff her advances:

Paul Telford to Joanne  Jul 26

Wrong address?  Nobody named Kelly here....

She's persistent though.  A couple of days later she tries again:

Joanne ---- to me  Jul 26

Hey, Kelly, just wanted you to know that Joyce called and told me the news. You are a fighter and this is going to be just one of those damn  things that you get through and then move on. I know that you already know that you good friends and if you need anything or just want to blow steam we are here for you. Do not ever think you are alone in this . Thinking of you. Jo

Didn't take the hint the first time I guess.  Ok, I'll play along:

Paul Telford to Joanne  Jul 28

I don't know sometimes I feel like I just can't go on.  This has
really got me down and I am in a lot of pain.

That seems generic enough to cover whatever it is that Kelly might be feeling.  It's not very detailed, but with her new hertall and everything she wouldn't really be expected to write a novel, right?

Joanne ---- to me  Jul 28

Do not even think that way. You are a lot stronger than that. The pain is only for a while and soon that pain will only make you want to get rid of it faster. Just think of Paul and your kids and that will make the fight worth it. I do not know what your going through but I know you and I know you will beat this. Just know we are here for you. love Jo

Joanne is persistent, I'll give her that.  Not so hot on reading the From: line line though, is she?  I feel like I'm over my pseudo-suicidal period now, maybe something more up-beat this time?  So I hit her with what we in the business call the Blanch Devereaux Offense: 

Paul Telford to Joanne  Jul 28

You're right, thank you. You're a pal and a confidant.

And if you threw a party, invited everyone you knew, you would see the
biggest gift would be from me.  And the card attached would say, thank
you for being a friend.

In my defense I did have to look those lyrics up.  Unfortunately, since that last exchange I have not heard back from Joanne.  Maybe I came on too strong and scared her off.  Maybe she was so moved by my sentiment that she is still composing her reply.  I don't know.  If there are any developments in this important story I will be sure to update you.